The Best and Worst of 2001-2002
May 03, 2002
Best: John Bader. You mean, Mister Bader? All joking aside, Dean Bader is the best addition to the administration we've had in decades. He has seen one chief through the Rhodes Scholarship process (BTW: I got into Oxford!), given us fodder for stories and reminded us that we need to be happy, not rich and employed by investment banking firms. He's the one administrator who cares enough about the students to do something pro-active. Thank you, Dean Bader. Good luck at national championships! Tone Rangers rule!
Worst: Ira Young. Like his predecessor Mike Little, Ira Young thinks that frat brothers beating the shit out of each other in the middle of 33rd St. is good, old fashioned fun. Once again, we have a Greek Life Coordinator that cares more about the image of fraternities on campus than about their behavior.
Best: John Astin. Not only does he lead a Buddhist group with his wife, he is Gomez. (snap snap)
Worst: Michael Bloomberg. God, we're so sick of this guy. Hopefully, getting elected mayor of New York City will take him off our hands. Look, Mike: We don't want any more donations, "anonymous" or not. And you really suck at consoling NYC as was obvious after the Chelsea explosion.
Best: First. Without it, we wouldn't be able to call you all assholes, assholes.
Worst (tie): A or B. Get a job or something, guys.
Best (tie): Owl Bar. Yards of beer, stained glass and general swankiness All that, and the crispiest chicken fingers anywhere. Honestly, this place just rocks. Brewer's Art. With a beer that is almost 20 percent alcohol, you can't go wrong. Or right.
Worst: PJs. Any place that's owned by someone who believes that responsible journalism is a legitimate reason to unilaterally cancel a food deal with no notice just isn't worth going to. Oh yeah, and it's also just a dank place.
Best: Dizzy Izzy's (good night). Probably the only place around here where you can run into a dozen mullets and Rob Cerretti, all on the same night.
Worst: Dizzy Izzy's (bad night). When this place isn't on, it's just a bad scene. Think all mullets, no Rob.
Best: Second Floor Men's, Shaffer Hall. Do you want to know why this bathrooom is so good? E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org and he'll tell you.
Worst: Any AMR Bathroom on a Sunday Morning. You're hung over and you need to drop a hot steaming load before you can trudge over to Terrace for some restorative waffles. One stall is covered in puke, one in piss and one has a naked pledge still passed out. What gives?
Best: Yuengling. We've never really gotten a hold on why it has that name, but this is some pretty damn tasty beer. It beats most others hands down, and since it's made in Pennsylvania, it's still cheap.
Worst: DeGroen's. We don't care that it's made in Baltimore. This stuff is just completely unpalatable. Plus, it evokes disturbing memories of that night when every tap at One World except this one went dry.
Best: Pete's Grill. If you're willing to brave the wilds of Greenmount Ave., you will be greatly rewarded, Grasshopper.
Worst: Wolman on Saturdays. If Sodexho Marriot were any cheaper, we'd have scrapple night on Tuesdays.
Best: Gatehouse. It's old, it's green, it's in a ditch and it's all ours. The envy of every other student group on campus, this home-away-from-home for News-Letter editors has served us well since the 70s, and every year adds another layer of history (and grime). Oh yeah, it's also bigger on the inside than on the outside. Cool, huh?
Worst: Clark Hall. Not only is it completely insane that BME gets its own damn building, but it also looks like a misbegotten high school gymnasium. Not that anyone over here at the N-L has ever been in there, but it honestly doesn't matter. The place sucks.
Best: Toyota. They take a licking and keep on ticking, and five of our editors drive 'em. And if you ever need to break into one, it's not that hard.
Worst: Any SUV. Do you really want to tell the whole world that you have a small penis?
Change at JHU in the last four years
Best: The bricks. The campus now has a charm that it lacked before. The bricks are so much nicer than the unevenly poured asphalt of old. Plus, I like falling and scraping my knees with patterns instead of black shmut.
Worst: The bricks. Damn. In true Hopkins style, what is best is also worst. Nothing here comes without a cost. And damn, those bricks cost a lot. Plus, they really impeded my drunken ambles home from "studying."
Best: Class of 2012. By the time these kids are here, not only will all the "improvements" have been finished, but everyone will have forgotten what Spring Fair used to be like, what it was like to have Commencement in front of Gilman, the Beach, E-Level…well, the list goes on. Plus, the Summer Olympics might be in town. Yeah, sketchy foreigners.
Worst: Class of 2001. These guys just got screwed. They came in with E-Level, the Beach, and Commencement and Spring Fair in their proper places. Then, piece by piece, everything was taken away. Sorry, guys. Sucks to be you.
Best: UniMini. Best meatball sub anywhere. Period. And Samir is the friendlist guy ever. That in and of itself would net UniMini this particular honor, but it also throws in intriguing music, service with a smile and the ability to change $20 bills. AND! They have a huge adult section. Yeah, naked chicks and dicks.
Worst: The Jay Store. First off, it's in Terrace, so it has to suck. That, and it's patronized almost exclusively by freshmen, who almost never improve a situation. And it's run by Sodexho, which just makes it suck further.
Best: Long Work. Some Writing Sems majors seem to get off on writing the same long, boring story with characters obviously based on their friends' annoying habits all year. You get to drink and ramble and call it homework.
Worst: Operating Systems. It would be nice if the projects got assigned before the final.
Best (tie): Writing Seminars. What's so great about the Sems, you ask? Fact of the matter is that there are too damn many reasons to go into here, but let's just say that with professors like Tristan Davies and Stephen Dixon, an administrative assistant like Nancy Ryan and alums like John Barth, Writing Seminars just blows other departments out of the water.
Political Science and Clarinet Performance. S. got Writing Sems, so I get my majors. With hot grad students and awesome professors, you can't go wrong. Oh, and Peabody sucks but clarinet rocks if you study with Barta, who is "the man."
Worst: BME. Get off your damned high horse, people. So your grad program is good and you get your own building. It's not worth the years of suffering. Plus, it's in the Whiting school. Who cares about Whiting, anyway?
Best: Waffle House in Aberdeen. You can have your hash browns seven different ways at any hour of the day or night. Just a half an hour away if you drive like a maniac. The unlimited cokes and artery-unfriendly grits don't hurt either. Chow down, y'all.
Worst: Paper Moon. Even if it is the only game in town at 4 a.m., we'd rather just eat ramen at home if it means we don't have to pay $15 for mediocre food served in a funhouse-from-hell atmosphere filled with spaced-out ravers and cops.
Best: Nyquil. Ever wanna be able to just fall asleep, no matter where you are or what you're doing? This lovely, green liquid can make it happen.
Worst: Heroin. One in nine Baltimoreans can be wrong.
Best: Shannon putting a broom handle down her throat. And it was even more impressive than it sounds.
Worst: Reed Shelger. Or anything else involving the back room that is not technically part of PJs.
Excuse for not going out
Best (tie): Being Clinically Dead. Hard to argue with this one. Although it's not totally unknown to make it out to CVP when all your metabolic and brain functions have stopped, it's a feat that's hard to accomplish.
You're Going to Get Some if You Stay in. Screw CVP. Getting laid beats cheap G&Ts any day. Just make sure that "woman" you met on North Calvert St. isn't a man.
Worst: Having a Paper to Write. If you can't get good and smashed and still turn out a seven-pager by the next morning, you're not really a college student.
Best: Canada. Quick drive, cheap money and hot chicks in parkas for miles. What more could you ask for?
Worst: France. Bankers from this country let our previous Chief go, leaving him to play video games at his mom's house, taking breaks only to read "Behind the Ink." That, Le Pen and Vichy makes these Euro-weenies our pick for worst country (They blew Sierra Leone out of the water). Suck it, froggies.
Graffiti on the Gatehouse wall
Best: "It's small… but it feels so good going in." The one time Langbein says something completely innocent, it comes out wrong.
Worst: "You've got a lot of girth in that toe." This is why people aren't allowed to write on the walls when they've been drinking.
Best: TSE. Every three months or 3000 strokes, whichever comes first. Make sure you see your doctor if you find any lumps.
Worst (tie): TSE. In class. Don't try it.
Best: Bailey's Irish Creme. Girls can't get enough of this creamy liquid refreshment. Wanna get laid? Keep some on hand.
Worst: Tequila. Last time one of our Managing Editors had this, he came on to a bench at Columbia University, five blocks from where he was drinking the night before. Let this be a lesson to you.
Best: Beltway Fine Wines. Kegs are plentiful and cheap, even at 8 p.m. on a Saturday night. Schnapp Shop. They have beer pong balls. Yeah.
Worst: Stadium Liquors. This is the scariest place in the world. You have to be drunk to even think of going to this joint. And then you have to drink it all while you're standing in the store or else you'll get held-up at gunpoint for beer.
Best: Arundel Mills. Banana Republic Factory Store. 24 Luxurious screens. Cinnabon. The only thing that would make this mall better would be a porn store and Katz's Delicatessen. Mmmmmm, corned beef.
Worst: The Rotunda. The overwhelming awesomeness of Casa Mia's pizza does little to compensate for such retail disasters as The Bead and Coffee with Rozz.
Managing Editor responsibility
Best: Taking out the trash. Instant visible results, makes everybody happy, keeps the rats at bay.
Worst: Getting anyone to do distro. We haven't heard so many bad excuses since we watched Horshack on the Welcome Back, Kotter marathon.
Best: Iron Maiden. Sure, they started playing music before most of us were born, but these guys still rock. Not only do they have some of the coolest guitar solos (so awesome, in fact, that Papa Roach lifted one right out of an old song to create "Last Resort"), but they also have the greatest mascot of any band alive.
Worst: Anything Christian. Sure, Jesus was a cool dude. But somehow "God loves you" and biting heads off of small animals don't go together too well.
Best (tie): Bengie's This place is a true tribute to necking in the 50s. Not only is it the largest outdoor screen on the east coast, but the concession stand is cheap and the selection rocks. $7 for three feature films, lots of cartoons, old ads and great trailers add up to a great night. Plus, a little stationary road head never hurt anybody.
The Apex. Why see the usual plot-free corporate blockbusters out in the suburbs when you can see such high-brow fare as Black Cock Down or Lord of the (Cock) Rings right here in the city.
Worst: That sketchy one down at the Harbor. Sure, it's closed, but it still radiates sketch. Being next to Baja doesn't help, either. Sorry StuCo.
Best: Fletcher's. Mary Prankster plays this Fell's Point joint pretty often. Tits and Whiskey! Tits and Whiskey!
Worst: 723: Did you ever want to know how it feels to be charged with statutory rape? Picking up anyone here is a good start.
Best: "I have a futon" and I know how to use it.
Worst: "Nice shoes" You know the rest.
Place to get a BJ
Best: The roof of Bloomberg. At least one of you gets to enjoy the view.
Worst: The men's bathroom on the second floor of Shaffer. See worst bathroom.
Place to pick up chicks
Best: Other Colleges. We hear that they know a condom from a lab glove over there. Vive le difference!
Worst: The lower quad. If you see a hot chick here, she's most likely lost. You're better off walking around blindfolded and groping anything that seems curvy and flesh-like. Then again, you'll probably be grabbing a CS major's bitch tits.
Place to take a date
Best: The 13th Floor. The view is awesome, the drinks are relatively strong and you can look like a yuppie for a night, instead of your usual status as unemployed 20-something who hasn't cleaned his bathroom since the Clinton administration.
Worst: The Block. Well, if it doesn't work out, you can always get a moderately-priced plastic replacement.
Best: 99.1 WHFS. They were considering hiring Shannon as a morning DJ. Unfortunately, her off-color antics were too much for people who just ate breakfast.
Worst: 104.3 WOCT. This station used to be the only one we listened to here at the Gatehouse, which makes their turn toward wussy-pop even more disheartening. If we wanted to hear Elton John's "Your Song," we'd visit the seventh level of hell, where it's on loop.
Reason for being on Ac. Pro
Best: Too much sex, not enough time to study. Yeah, right. Nice thought, though.
Worst: Pledging. Are you really that lame that you need to buy your friends? And what will you tell the teacher? "Sorry, I can't turn in my paper on time because I was being spanked by a cadre of other men."
Best: Holy Frijoles. Even taco-snobs from southern California love this Hampden Mexican joint. BYO - Beer and actual Mexicans — they have neither.
Worst: Orient Express. We're still nauseated from eating this shit last year.
Best: Bob Woodward. The guy broke Watergate, for god's sake. Plus, it's not every day you get to hear a major presidential address, followed immediately by live commentary from one of the nation's premier journalists. All that, and he involved the audience better than most professors here can. The resurgence of the MSE Symposium is underway.
Worst: Dubya. Every time he opens his mouth, the people down at the Oxford English Dictionary shit bricks. We don't care if you have an 80 percent approval rating, we still think you couldn't crack 1200 on your SATs.
Spot on campus
Best: Futon at the Gatehouse It's seen more action than the ballots in last year's election.
Worst: Dean Boswell's Office You know you're in trouble when you're sitting in her office. Better come up with an excuse or a good lie, quick. How about you were abducted by aliens and they pumped your stomach full of vodka as an experiment?
Best: Stephen Goutman. Quite possibly the only guy on Student Council with something on his mind other than his resume. Or at least he's the only one who says anything about it. Props.
Worst: Anuj Mittal. A thorn in the side of responsible student government for two years now, this kid just makes us long for the days of Zack Pack. But we like the memorial fountain on his head.
Best: News-Letter. What did you think we were going to say?
Worst (tie): Charles Street Standard. They may be officially out of business, but their profound suckiness when they were around will transcend the ages.
JHU4Peace and CHAI. Good, now everybody is pissed off.
Best: The Gatehouse used to be slave quarters. It still is, dumbass.
Worst: Stepping on the seal. Isn't it indicative of the mood of the student body that the one superstition everyone believes in involves taking an extra year to graduate? Why can't you dorks make up one about getting laid or something?
Best (tie): Stuart W. Leslie. This one's not even a contest. Not only does Leslie teach the most interesting classes - Seven Wonders of the Modern World, Automobile Age and Las Vegas: Eight Wonder of the World - but he also knows the names of practically everyone in his 180-person lectures. What other professor shows American Graffiti and plays Paul Simon songs in their classes?
Milton Cummings. Ahh... Uncle Miltie. Not only does this man have an unequivocal love of teaching and, more importantly, his students, but he has an amazing ability to impart his enthusiasm as well as his vast knowledge of political science topics. Besides, how many other professors take their students to the Kennedy Center and then buy a round of drinks? I love Miltie. You love Miltie. We all love Miltie.
Runner-up: Jason Eisner. The rare combination of respected researcher and caring teacher. And he brings you cookies on test days. Would easily be a contender for top honors if he taught a class taken by more than 30 people.
Worst (tie): Baruch Awerbuch. Students and Computer Science department secretaries alike agree on this one. Yup, someone ranting about how worthless this guy is is a common scene in the C.S. office. In addition to wasting hours of students' mornings babbling incoherently when he should be teaching, he apparently can't even figure out how to mail a box of books to colleagues overseas. At the same time, he foils the administration's attempts to prevent grade inflation by giving out large numbers of A's to students who admit they learned nothing in his class.
Lou Beach. "What is the URL for this course?"
Best: The Kama Sutra. You have no right to complain that you never learn anything practical that you can use in real life.
Worst: Orgo. It's big, it costs more than $100 and it's heavier than our copy editor. And shit, if you have it, you're probably taking the class. Might as well put a down payment on your own funeral.
Things about Spring Fair
Best(tie): Beer Garden. Wake up Friday. Get plastered. Wake up Saturday. Drink some more. Sunday - sleep it off since it's raining. And get paid to do it. This is what every weekend should be like.
Chicken on a stick. Mmm ... grease. The one thing that will give you a heart attack faster than sketchy Rofo chicken. You know it's gotta be good.
Worst(three-way tie): Garland Field. What made someone think that a field that is only used for grad student Frisbee games and Math Department picnics would make a good site for Spring Fair? Oh wait. We can't hold events on the other quads any more because having brick pathways is more important than having places for undergraduates to do things. Once again, the Master Plan sucks (see Alum).
Only one vendor per food item. As if being on Garland Field wasn't bad enough for Spring Fair, the organizers decided to institute the moronic policy that only one booth can serve a specific kind of food. With a single policy, they cut profits (more vendors means more booth fees) and tripled the length of the lines for popular food items. Don't you think the demand for funnel cake and chicken on a stick (see above) warrants at least two booths selling it?
Everything Else. 'Nuff said.
Best: The condom machine in the basement of Levering. Not like you'll need it at this school, but it's nice to know it's there.
Worst: In front of the HUT. The fucking thing always dispenses Mountain Dew, even if you press the Pepsi button. They're going after our sperm, man.
Web page (overall)
Best: http://www.thehun.net/. Whatever your fetish, this site from the Netherlands can link you to the hottest pictures and videos on the Net. Just don't click on the BeautifulPregnant.com link ... you'll regret it.
Worst: Webapps. How come this is the only server that students can't access from campus? We can get to the Drudge Report; we can spend hours surfing for porn on the Hun (see above). But if we try to search the JHU domain using Webapps, we'll still be waiting for the results of our first query after hours (that would have been much better spent on the Hun) have passed. Here's a little hint: Use Google for searches. Webapps blows.