first and foremost i think this movie comes to grief at the hands of the pg rating it's been given . for those of us who haven't read the james lee burke novel that heaven's prisoners is based on , do not rabidly go out and buy tickets to movies featuring the combined talents of alec baldwin and eric roberts , feel vaguely depressed by the notion of swamps , gangsters with louisiana accents , plots , sub-plots , more plots , and well , really just want to see teri hatcher naked , this is one movie you're going to worry the price of admission over . hopeful still ? well , <NEG> let me share my moment of sheer panic , and then the cold enervation of the big let-down </NEG> when a semi-robed hatcher purrs to alec baldwin , " what do you think of my butterfly ? " . butterfly ? , i asked myself , what butterfly ? ! <NEG> and then it hit me . . . the scene had been snipped ! damn you , godless pg rating , show us her butterfly ! ! we want to see the goddamn butterfly ! ! ! </NEG> so . . . no naked teri hatcher . <NEG> forget about that . okay ? </NEG> now . . . heaven's prisoners is about ex-alchoholic ex-cop dave robicheaux ( alec baldwin ) who's trying to discover life anew running a bait shop and boat hire business with his loving , down-to-earth wife annie ( kelly lynch ) . <NEG> everything dull , but hunky dory </NEG> until a plane carrying illegal immigrants crashes almost ontop of the couple while they're on their boat . the plane nosedives into the water and sinks , but from its wreckage robicheaux rescues a little pixie-faced salvadoran girl whom he and his wife immediately decide to adopt . what they don't realise is that the plane's pilot was also a drug dealer , and that the plane had been sabotaged by the latter's erstwhile colleagues . when robicheaux discovers this , he predictably , against the advice of his wife , a well-meaning dea agent , and two gangsters who rough him up , begins 'poking his nose where it don't belong' , we know that the man deserves all the misery he's going to get . the question now is <NEG> whether or not you want to be dragged along for the ride through a tedious , meandering yet utterly suspenseless plot with an unlovable hero as your guide </NEG> . as dave robicheaux , alec baldwin is fat . . . no seriously , this is not the svelte , thinking man's hero of the hunt for red october , it is <NEG> an out-of-shape guy who doesn't look too good in a roof-top chasing scene . he's also unconvincing in the movie's dramatic moments , acting with what as far as i can tell is a steven segal-like economy of expression </NEG> . three-quarters of the way through the show , while you're probably waiting for the next scene in a bar where robicheaux contemplates succumbing to the temptation of the whiskey bottle , getting drunk and beating up someone or getting beaten up , <NEG> you'll want to beat on him a little yourself </NEG> . on the other hand , mary stuart masterson ( some kind of wonderful , fried green tomatoes , benny & joon ) cast as a down-and-out stripper who has her fingers broken is quite a breath of fresh air , with just the right mix of cynicism , warmth , insecurity and humour to be the movie's only endearing character . eric roberts as bubba rocque , always believable as the woman-abusing bad guy who knows how to box ( see final analysis , coincidentally also directed by phil joanou ) is believable here as the woman-abusing bad guy who knows how to box . and lest we forget teri hatcher's role in all this , this being her rather well-publicised paid vacation from playing lois lane on tv's " adventures of lois & clark " . . . <NEG> she is totally ridiculous </NEG> as rocque's manipulative and seductive cajun wife , coming across as devious as a mildly disgruntled au pair who's trying to get back at an employer who hasn't been giving her enough days off . <NEG> it's probably safe to say that her day job beckons </NEG> . and at the end of our day , <NEG> none of this is really worth 2 hrs and 12 minutes of our personal misery </NEG> . the flying inkpot's rating system : * wait for the video . * * a little creaky , but still better than staying at home with gotcha ! * * * pretty good , bring a friend . * * * * amazing , potent stuff . * * * * * perfection . see it twice .
