there were four movies that earned jamie lee curtis the title of " scream queen " in the early '80s . two of them were halloween movies , but the other two -- prom night and terror train -- were the uninspired knockoffs that came directly after the success of halloween . the same " god , i'm scared , there's some guy in a mask coming after me " routine she did in john carpenter's classic , jamie lee copies here , with none of the urgency or suspense . terror train takes place on ( where else ? ) a train , charted by some pre-med students finishing their first four years of higher education . most of them won't make it to med school , though , and it's obvious from the foreshadowing done when the conductor complains , " i wish to hell they'd put a radio on that train . " the conductor character probably has the most lines of anyone , even jamie lee . from the beginning , he's talking his head off ( he tells one of his co-workers " think on this -- when's the last time someone built a shopping mall next to a train station ? " as if it makes any kind of sense ) and it only gets better as he engages himself in an argument about the benefits of railroad over recreational vehicles . of course , the loudmouth conductor is the first person to find a bloody body , which is then gone when he brings a skeptical trainman back to view it . i forgot to mention the prologue . it's a party three years earlier , with the same group of students . two of them play a trick on a geeky frat pledge , promising him he's going to get laid . they send jamie lee up to stand behind the bed and talk to the geek as he comes in , noticing a form on the bed . she says , " kiss me , kenny , " and he kisses the body on the bed , which happens to be a cadaver . ( " oh my god , they killed kenny ! you bastards ! " ) it's a sick trick , and one jamie lee wasn't let in on . she still hasn't forgiven the guy as they board the terror train ( " you asshole , you can't have a good time without hurting somebody ! " ) . the killing starts before the train even leaves the station . since it's new year's , everyone's wearing disguises ( a convenient plot device we've seen before ) , and someone stabs the guy in the groucho mask when no one's looking . at least one of the characters says it's a groucho mask ; when the killer dons it and steps aboard , it looks like gene shalit who , by the way , would make a great killer in a slasher movie . speaking of weird-looking dorks who still persist on the entertainment scene , one of terror train's most famous gimmicks is the appearance of david copperfield " as the magician , " who regails those aboard with illusions set to disco music . then there's his greatest trick -- getting laid with hair that looks like that . for all its attempts at visual style and substance , terror train is more lionel than amtrak , more prom night than halloween , and nothing really worth watching . only die-hard fans of jamie lee curtis and david copperfield ( if he truly has any fans ) should even attempt to watch it . and it makes me wonder if a horror movie set in an rv could be much worse . i mean , when was the last time someone built a shopping mall next to a train station , anyway ? terror train is definitely the cinematic equivalent of a sleeper car .
