back in february at the monthly los angeles comic book and science fiction convention , new line cinema put on a lavish presentation for its big-screen update of the cult 1960s sci-fi tv show lost in space , complete with in-person appearances by cast members mimi rogers , matt leblanc , lacey chabert , jack johnson , and even gary oldman . that should have set off my warning alarms--the last time such an extravagant film presentation took place at the convention was nearly five years ago , when none other than arnold schwarzenegger made an in-person cameo to peddle . . . last action hero . but no , like millions of others , i bought into the hype and " got lost . " <NEG> if only i had gotten lost--literally--on the way to theatre </NEG> and spared myself <NEG> the tedium of this sloppily slapped-together blockbuster wannabe </NEG> . you may find yourself wondering if director stephen hopkins and screenwriter akiva goldsman were lost themselves when they made the film . at the convention , goldsman claimed to be a rabid fan of the original television series , and if that really is the case , i'd hate to see what he does with concepts he only has mild interest in . to say that <NEG> his script lacks narrative cohesion </NEG> is to imply that there is a narrative to begin with--which there most certainly is not . after the setup , in which the robinson family--father john ( william hurt , looking and sounding as spaced out as he does in interviews ) , mother maureen ( rogers , <NEG> wasted </NEG> ) , daughters judy ( heather graham , ditto ) and penny ( a heavily made-up chabert , looking like a junior version of neve campbell in wild things ) , and son will ( young newcomer johnson , making the best of it ) --and pilot don west ( leblanc , <NEG> doing a bad han solo impression </NEG> ) find themselves lost in space after their ship is sabotaged by evil stowaway dr . smith ( a watered-down but still-lively oldman , cashing a paycheck and loving every minute ) , the script's " stream " of events becomes so fragmented and random that it seems to be made up as it goes along--and hopkins does little to make what does go on the slightest bit interesting . they encounter another ship . they board it . alien spiders attack them . they return to their ship . the other one explodes . they land on a deserted planet . and so on . an attempt at a plot involving time travel occurs in the third act , but goldsman doesn't seem to understand the rules that come with using such a story device ; when one character's past self dies , the future incarnation <NEG> inexplicably </NEG> lives on . the look and effects should be lost in space's ace-in-the-hole , but hopkins <NEG> even manages to botch that </NEG> . for a big-budget film , <NEG> the visual effects are incredibly shoddy </NEG> . in one composite background shot , i could see the blue outline around oldman ; the various digital effects for the space battle scenes look like . . . digital effects . but nothing in those shots is as <NEG> jaw-droppingly unconvincing </NEG> as blawp , a monkey-like space creature that becomes penny's pet . entirely computer-generated and every inch showing it , blawp <NEG> looks like it was lifted directly from a sony playstation game </NEG> . apparently hopkins thought the same and tried desperately to hide it ; how else can one explain the graininess of blawp's composite shots with the human actors ? but in doing so , the seams are that much more obvious . <NEG> you have to be severely visually impaired to not be distracted </NEG> when a grainy shot of penny and blawp is immediately followed by a crystal-clear solo reaction shot of judy . new line is hoping lost in space will become a big franchise much like the long-running star trek cash cow at paramount . i don't think so . in a few years , the lost in space movie will likely live on not as a series but as the obscure answer to a trivia question : what film ended titanic's 15-week reign at the top of the weekend box office ?
