* * the following review contains spoilers * * " please someone stop joel schumacher before he vomits into a film canister again and tries to pass it off as a movie . " -- chuck dowling , the jacksonville film journal i wrote the above sentence in my review for 1997's batman and robin . apparently , no one heard my words . oh , how i wish you had heard them . oh how i wish someone had stopped him . . . because he's done it again . the plot of 8mm is similar to the 1977 paul schrader film hardcore , a surprisingly decent and engrossing tale . in fact , it was everything that 8mm is not . in the opening minutes of 8mm , we see private detective tom welles ( nicolas cage ) working on a case for a prestigious member of the u . s . government . keep this fact in mind , cage is trusted with an important case , which he solves . he returns home to his wife and new daughter , and even finds time to rake his yard ( keep that in mind too , it's important as well ) . he's hired by a rich elderly woman to solve a mystery . after her husband's death she comes across a film in his private safe . it appears to be snuff film , a sort of urban legend of the pornography industry in which someone is actually brutally murdered for the camera . the woman wants welles to locate the young girl in the film , hopefully to disprove that it is in fact a snuff film . so he sets off on a journey into the sordid underworld of sleaze to discover the truth about the film . the main problem with 8mm is that the whole film is completely pointless . welles is actually selected for the case by the old woman's lawyer ( anthony heald , an actor who always plays the same type of character , that being a bad guy ) . when you first see him , your first instinct is that he's behind the whole thing . the choice of casting does the film in . then , as welles begins his investigation , at times we will see a shadowy figure following him . the only person it could possibly be is the lawyer ( or someone sent by the lawyer ) because no one knows welles is even investigating anything yet . so your first instinct has now been confirmed . then , when it is in fact revealed that the lawyer is a part of the whole thing , he tells welles that he was chosen for the case because he was young and inexperienced ( in one of those ridiculous " since we're going to kill you anyway , why not tell you the whole thing " moments ) . but earlier when we see welles being hired for the case he's told that he was hired because he comes highly recommended . huh ? also , when the lawyer reveals himself to be a part of the whole thing , his main goal is to get the film back . so why did he give it up in the first place ? ! the lawyer had the film the whole time , then gave it away to the private detective thinking that he would just give up on the case and return the film ? ! it's totally absurd . . . and this is the screenwriter of seven ? late in the film there's a confrontation between all the main characters , and after a struggle one of the character's guns ends up underneath a car . cage , who has been handcuffed to a bed , is rapidly trying to get to his gun , which is on a table . james gandolfini's character goes for the gun under the car in what is supposed to be a scene of " suspense " . you see , the gun is just slightly out of reach from the side of the car he's trying to reach it from , and so instead of going around the car to the other side ( where he can easily reach it ) he just keeps stretching . go around to the other side of the car ! ! this goes on for minutes . then , after cage gets his gun , gandolfini then decides it would be best to go around to the other side of the car . boy , schumacher is really really getting on my nerves . i think the final straw would be when cage returns home , devastated by everything that he's seen on this case , and then is no longer able to rake his lawn ! we actually see a shot of him pathetically poking at leaves in his yard . other things that bugged me about 8mm : one would be the music , if you can call it that . whenever the score starts up , it sounds like techno music , and then this awful indian or middle eastern type music will accompany it . awful decision there joel . another is cage's performance . at this point he's capable of a wide range of performances , either good or bad . for 8mm , he delivers a very wooden one , and only shines when he's interacting with joaquin phoenix ( who gives a great performance as a porn shop clerk with a heart of gold who helps cage with his case ) . you're capable of much better mr . cage . now as for you mr . schumacher . . . i'm starting to doubt if you're capable of anything else besides urinating onto the institution of american cinema . [r]
