in the james bond film " diamonds are forever , " tiffany case asks 007 whether he prefers brunettes to redheads . bond's response is that it doesn't really matter , as long as collars and cuffs match . well , collars and cuffs don't match in " the real blonde . " what might have sounded good on paper ends up as <NEG> a largely unfunny , meandering comedy </NEG> on screen . the film , supposedly a satire of the superficiality of soap operas and the modeling business , is <NEG> wafer thin </NEG> . it plays like an " ally mcbeal " episode dragged out to the nth degree , <NEG> replete with a few unnecessary " fantasy " sequences </NEG> . writer/director tom dicillo manages the material as if poking fun at daytime dramas is a fresh idea . it isn't . the only surprise here is that the talented dicillo could make familiar terrain so dreary . matthew modine plays joe , a struggling actor waiting tables in order to pay the rent . he's 35 with no agent and no credits since he's too proud to take on roles in commercials or soap operas . " that's not really acting " he tells his girlfriend of six years , mary ( catherine keener ) , with whom he bickers constantly about sex . but they need the money , so joe finally agrees to take a part in a madonna video . but it's not really madonna starring in the video but a lookalike ( played by elizabeth berkley , still trying to jump-start her career after " showgirls " ) . this points out how artificial this whole business is , one supposes . dicillo has referred to " the real blonde " as " off-kilter , but an interesting combination of all sorts of stuff . . . " the film , which <NEG> wanders all over the place without getting anywhere </NEG> , is remarkably * on * -kilter and , with perhaps the single exception of the always-likable modine ( who's not afraid to stand around in a very unattractive bathing suit surrounded by hunks ) , <NEG> the entire cast is vague and uninteresting </NEG> . catherine keener , who's appeared in dicillo's previous three films ( including the brilliant " living in oblivion " ) , <NEG> is at her most annoying </NEG> in " the real blonde . " look at her closely ; she really can't act at all . <NEG> her reactions are all wrong </NEG> , almost always out of sync with her co-stars . she reacts too soon , or too late , to lines and situations . she moves her eyes , or her mouth , far too much . she frowns , she yells , she babbles--she blows chunks . maxwell caulfield plays joe's actor/waiter buddy bob , the one obsessed with dating a " natural " blonde . bob's personality ( not to mention caulfield's acting ability ) parallels that of the character he plays on the soap opera " passion crest " -- <NEG> stiff and uninteresting </NEG> . maybe that's the point . daryl hannah is <NEG> dim and uninteresting </NEG> as the real blonde of the title , a soap dish who beds bob both on- and off-camera . hannah looks about fifty in this movie ( she's only 37 ) . why is that ? almost all the women in the film wear tops that show their nipples . why is that ! ? marlo thomas <NEG> plays an uninteresting </NEG> fashion photographer . kathleen turner plays an uninteresting talent agent . buck henry plays an uninteresting shrink . christopher lloyd plays an <NEG> uninteresting </NEG> caterer . and so on . the best parts of the " the real blonde " are the beginning and the end , brief scenes of an elderly woman losing and then finding her dog . there's more depth and sincerity in a single close-up of her expressive face than in the entire film . while this contrast is supposedly meant to highlight the shallowness of the other characters' lives , the only thing that makes shallow and superficial interesting is if it's funny .
