the last line ( or near to that honor ) is the great butler , alfred ( the ubergod , michael gough ) saying , " i think we need a bigger bat cave , " or something to that note . that's exactly what this film is - too big for its own good because it has too damn much . cut batgirl out . cut one of the villains . it's too much to handle in one dosage . it's so much that characters get left behind . poor elle gets a mere 3 scenes and a subplot which is introduced but never finished in any way , shape or form . and elle deserves better . this is the fourth in the gigantic film series and the second from director joel schumacher . it's also the fourth worst in the series ( and second worst from joel ) . the series has been declining since its stunning debut , followed by the almost-as-stunning sequel and then the anti-climactic third one ( first by joel ) . this one's not anti-climactic - i knew it was gonna suck . it's up to joel to make it fun though . " batman forever " was fun . this is a big bore of over-produced action sequences and shallow characters . i mean , this one bit . i'm gonna put all the plot in one paragraph : mr . freeze ( ah-nold ) , who's wife was dying of some disease , has become the new big villain these days . he's a huge ex-scientist who fell into some weird liquid ( hello ? joker ? ) and now has a body temperature of a big fat zero and has a blue body . batman ( george ) and robin ( chris ) fight him a bit but find they're growing apart . meanwhile , another villain shows up , poison ivy ( uma ! ) , who was a dorky scientist chick working on flowers in south america with a twistet scientist ( john glover ) who kills her when she finds out he's used her research to develop an uberman , bane , who is basically a man pumped with chemicals which probably killed any personality he ever had . she emerges from her chemicals ( don't ask 'cause i can't tell ya ) as a sexy woman ( the real uma ) who's poison when or if you kiss her and has some aphrodiasiatic scent she blows at people . she starts to tear away at the dynamic duo . meanwhile , alfred's dying of the same disease mr . freeze's wife has ( but in an earlier state than she ) , and his niece , barbara ( alicia ) , comes all the way from oxford without an english accent to get him away from the butler trade , but soon ( well , not really soon , it takes her 2 hours ) becomes batgirl . meanwhile , in an unfinished subplot , bruce ( batman's alter-ego , if you forgot ) has been dating the lovely julie madison ( the even lovlier elle macpherson ) who wants a commitment after a year but he says nothing . end of her for all we know . mr . freeze ultimately teams with poison ivy and they want to freeze the world and then take it over growing new plants as their population ( don't ask ! ! ! ) . the trio must team together " as family " to beat them . there ya go . not the whole story but no big context clues . too much , right ? right ! the films seems patched together of nice little ideas which would have made for a couple good sequels . however , while tim burton nicely balanced the villain/batman storyline ( although not wonderfully ) , joel seems to do almost nothing with batman in this one . he gets some corny speeches , a couple clever lines and that's it . maybe some stunts . for all this , i can't even comment on george clooney as batman - i hardly saw the guy ! and when i did , he had horrible dialogue to say . i think michael keaton is the quintessential batman but val kilmer was too robotic and fake as batman in the last episode . george is in between them . he's not quintessential , he's not horrible , he's good . but i'm sure next time when they decide to renovate the series since they'll be critically murdered for this sorry effort , we'll get a good script and clooney will shine ( if he still has the job ) . the villains are the only interesting part of the series according to schumacher . last time , we had the brawn of two face as played by tommy lee jones and the brains/comedy supplied by the riddler as realized by jim carrey . this time we have a somewhat sympathetic and somewhat hatable villain ( the same guy ) , mr . freeze . we feel bad for his mental/physical collapse but does he really need to kill everyone for plants ? arnold isn't very good - too hokey but kinda sympathetic at some points . when he watches old movies of his wife , he actually looks somber . wow . but uma makes the most of her seductive character , getting the right point between hamminess and seductiveness . it's like she's almost parodying herself in " pulp fiction " at points . she's incredibly hot and makes the movie pretty much a star better . as for the lower bat-people , chris is the same as he was in " batman forever , " although i think his work in these is too hokey when he's best at quieter parts in " scent of a woman " or just plain cool parts in " fried green tomotoes . " alicia - i love the girl but she's not particularly good in this film . she can hypotheitically act , we all saw that in " clueless , " but her lines kinda sound weird . and it isn't the mushy-mouth this time . but in all fairness , she has virtually no part . joel gets around to her occasionally and when she's on , she does stupid stuff . . . although i know i'm not the only one who loved the catfight between her and uma . . . and poor elle . poor , poor elle . i love that woman and she can also hypothetically act ( for those of us who saw " sirens " ) . but she has no part ! ! ! it seems like joel had so much footage that he had to edit almost an hour out of the final product . there are no " couch " scenes ( like my best friend noticed ) . now listen to me on this one - in every " batman " flick , there's a couch scene . in the original , it was with vicki . in " returns , " it was a good make-out scene with selena . and in the last one , it was a chat with nicole . this one , it's nothing . and batgirl does next-to-nothing in this film till the end when she's suddenly " part of the family . " fortunately , we get a lot of alfred . he's the always reliable butler , in case you didn't know , who has been with bruce all his life . he's a god . he's a father figure . he's also dying . this got to me . i love alfred almost as much as bruce and to see him in a robe , not in his tux , and freaking dying just gets to me . we also get the idea that he might have been unhappy the whole time . . . but this is never answered , as this film is too cluttered . but in defense , it does have some good parts , other than uma . for one , george is a good batman but unfortunately gets nothing to do . and there are some nice touches . when they show the asylum at one point , they show the patient's belongings in a room and we see the riddler's costume . i laughed . and during a biker scene ( involving robin and batgirl - another subplot never handled past initiation period ) , we not only see coolio but a bunch of bad-asses dressed as " droogs " from " a clockwork orange . " i laughed at all these . the film falls apart around the five-minute mark during an enormously long action sequence which must last around 20 minutes . . . or did it just feel like that ? the film should serve as another in the long-line of films which demonstrate that we need more intelligent films nowadays . people are fed up with stupid films . that's why the word of mouth killed " the lost world ! " that's why last year , indy films grossed more than ever . that's why this will have a strong box-office initative from people who just want to see it , like me , but will die after a week or two when the word around the grapevine kills it . that's why the next two big-budget aciton pics are john woo's " face/off " and barry sonnenfeld's " men in black , " both which are the first two to catch on to the wave early on . i like joel schumacher more as a person than an artiste . i like some of his films ( " flatliners , " " a time to kill " ) but a lot of them suck . he's a really eccentric person and i loved one of his quotes about how he admits to being a mediocre director and that's what makes him great . but his costuming for woody allen's " sleeper " was more interesting than this one ( and his costuming was cool - look for the nazi number ) . i love the " batman " series . the first two rocked and i did like the last one . but this one is not going to be one that i watch repeatedly like the other three . hopefully , this will also serve as a springboard to a better batman next time . and maybe they'll get smart and bring back catwoman . and michael keaton . but we can only hope .
