it happens every year -- the days get longer , the weather gets warmer and the studios start releasing their big-budget blockbusters . this year's crop already seems inferior to that of past summers , even 1997's lackluster trio of batman & robin , the fifth element and the lost world . the marketing blitz in 1998 has been centered on godzilla ( " heeere , lee-zerd , lee-zerd . . . " ) , which doesn't make me optimistic about future summers . godzilla is , of course , based on a series of cult movies ( translation : really bad movies only a few people can tolerate ) from japan that turn up really late at night on ted turner-owned cable stations . that this big-budget remake won't rise above its roots is fairly obvious . the credits show us the origin of godzilla . in five words : nuclear explosion creates giant lizard . sounds like an enquirer headline , doesn't it ? the mushroom cloud is followed by the inevitable " discovery " sequence . this time , a japanese guy is eating noodles with chopsticks while watching sumo wrestling ( if that ain't a stereotype . . . ) when he discovers the telltale radar blip . people die . cut to our protagonist , played by matthew broderick . he makes his first appearance wearing headphones , warbling along to " singin' in the rain . " it's a none-too-subtle sign that he wishes he were in a classier movie . no dice , bueller . from the beginning , <NEG> poor matthew has to do embarassing things </NEG> like fondle giant earthworms and stand in godzilla's enormous footprint . every disaster movie has to have a know-it-all scientist , and this time broderick is it . as the world's leading expert on radiated earthworms ( and wouldn't you love to have that printed on your business card ? ) , broderick is invaluable to the government . he immediately dispels vicki lewis' theory that godzilla is a dinosaur because , hey , you can't take seriously the intellectual arguments of " newsradio " cast members . broderick instead hits the nail on the head , announcing godzilla is a radiated lizard . " the radiation isn't an anamoly , " he announces , and <NEG> lightning strikes </NEG> . " i believe this is a mutated abberation , " he continues , and lightning strikes again . it's vocabulary lightning , you see , <NEG> activated by words of four syllables or more </NEG> . meanwhile , we're introduced to our new york cast , headed by an ambitious broadcast journalist ( maria patillo ) , broderick's former love . <NEG> gee , what are the odds </NEG> their paths will cross again at a dramatically important time ? poor patillo has been trying to get ahead in the news business for years but has been held down by heartless anchorman harry shearer . italian cameraman hank azaria tells her she's not ruthless enough : " nice doesn't get you anywhere in this town . it's dog eat dog . " actually , it's lizard eat city , as godzilla emerges from the atlantic to begin a rampage on the big apple's core . the filmmakers provide us with a one-note drunk fisherman who hooks godzilla . " i think i've got a bite , " he announces as a gigantic tidal wave begins rushing toward him . you can guess what happens next . similar reactions spring forth as the monster prowls the city . hearing the rumble of approaching footsteps , one new yorker remarks , " please don't tell me that's another parade . " <NEG> please don't tell me that's the best line you could come up with </NEG> . mayor ebert is not pleased . played by the principal from " head of the class , " he continually makes the wrong decision when given an option , and bickers with his assistant gene . i guess the filmmakers knew they'd be getting two thumbs down from the critics and didn't even bother to kiss ass . the problem is , if you're going to attack siskel and ebert , you should at least make it funny . dialogue like , " didn't we agree that we weren't going to have any sweets until after the election ? " followed by , " back off , gene , " just doesn't work for me . <NEG> other lame running jokes </NEG> include everyone mispronouncing the broderick character's last name and frenchman jean reno's inability to find a good cup of coffee in new york . there's even more fun to be had as godzilla progresses . as the beast heads back into hiding , broderick suggests the military lure it out with food . cue twelve dump trucks , all dropping fish into a new york intersection . ( broderick : that's a lot of fish . ) that ambush fails , but broderick soon figures out why godzilla came to new york by buying $50 worth of home pregnancy tests and running lizard blood through them . yep , godzilla's with children , which makes you wonder just what kind of creature would be horny enough to have sex with godzilla . that's until broderick explains that godzilla reproduces asexually , like linda tripp . godzilla comes to us from the makers of independence day , so <NEG> it has a lot of dumb action scenes , destructive special effects and shallow subplots </NEG> . look no further than patillo's betrayal of broderick ( patillo : what have i done , animal ? what have i become ? ) and the climactic " godzilla's nest " sequence in madison square garden . the main difference is , independence day was about the experience . it had a real global , patriotic element to it , and some genuinely fun characters . godzilla has lots of rain and lightning , reptilian action ripped off from jurassic park and <NEG> endless product placement </NEG> from the likes of kodak , blockbuster , juicy fruit , swatch , sprint and bumble bee tuna . yes , bumble bee actually paid to be known as the official tuna of godzilla . that fact alone is twice as interesting as anything in the movie .
