at the end of an action scene in " lara croft : tomb raider , " a wall collapses near the nubile warrior . with her face on the floor , she gazes into the rubble , then grins abruptly and says " oh , my car keys ! " i mention this scene because it was <NEG> the only moment in the whole damned production that made me smile </NEG> . based on an incredibly popular video game , " lara croft : tomb raider " is <NEG> a lousy movie </NEG> . the structure goes like this : <NEG> poorly-staged action sequence , boring exposition , poorly-staged action sequence , boring exposition , etc . etc . </NEG> , the end . basically , the film exists to showcase angelina jolie's puffy lips and enhanced tits . close-ups are framed oh-so-carefully to include her million dollar bazooms . running scenes highlight her bouncing breasts in vintage " baywatch " fashion . there's even include a shower scene that offers a brief side view of them . but <NEG> the filmmakers are so inept </NEG> they can't even flash the audience correctly . the one extended display of nudity is of - get ready for this - a guy . for no particular reason , a muscular supporting character strolls around naked for about 30 seconds , with each shot composed to barely cover his package , ? la " austin powers . " now , i enjoy a good looking male body as much as the next gay guy , but <NEG> what the hell is beefcake doing in a t&a flick aimed at heterosexual males ? </NEG> of course , what else should one expect in a film that <NEG> does virtually nothing right </NEG> ? " tomb raider " sets up elaborate action set pieces , then <NEG> renders them incomprehensible with needless jump cut editing </NEG> ( a promising dual bungee cord battle is <NEG> ruined </NEG> by excessive cuts ) . it promises a series of exotic locales , then <NEG> delivers cavernous sets and grimy matte paintings with smoggy skies </NEG> . throw in some <NEG> bargain basement computer graphics and you end up with the ugliest movie </NEG> to come down the pike in many moons . intended to be a rousing " indiana jones " style adventure , " tomb raider " <NEG> lacks any sense of tension </NEG> . <NEG> the low point comes </NEG> when lara is " threatened " by statues of monkey warriors and a giant multi-armed shiva figure that come to life courtesy of cgi . <NEG> easily the lamest menaces i have ever seen </NEG> , the creatures move like snails and fall apart with a single shot from a gun . if you ever have to be chased by monsters , pray that you get the monkey warriors . " tomb raider " tells a story , sort of . once every 5 , 000 years , the planets align . a group of very bad men are out to find two halves of an object that , if reassembled just as the planets align , will give them control over time itself . lara's goal is to stop them and rescue her long-missing poppa ( jon voight , jolie's real life dad ) . none of this matters though , because <NEG> stunning gaps in internal logic </NEG> assure that the plot of " lara croft : tomb raider " is as <NEG> lame </NEG> as ever other aspect of the film ? except angelina jolie's lips and breasts .
