phaedra cinema , the distributor of such never-heard-of classics as " soft toilet seats , " " trailer : the movie , " and " the one armed boxer vs . the flying guillotine , " has sneaked its latest release , " the sculptress , " into a few theaters this weekend hoping to cash in on a handful of halloween holidaygoers looking for a right good scare . " the sculptress " is a scary proposition all right , but not in the way its producers intended . from the outset it's easy to see why some of the larger , more reputable chains aren't carrying it : the film looks like a straight-to-video release from the early '80s that's been dusted off ( not very carefully ) and re-issued in theatrical format . that staple of schlocky z-movies jeff fahey ( " the lawnmower man " ) plays a washed-up shakespearean actor lacking in some basic people skills . when he's not reliving his glory days in his ramshackle nob hill apartment , screaming scotch-induced " hamlet " soliloquies well into the night , he's out and about on the streets of san francisco stalking loose women . fahey's dobie sizes up his victims ( actually just one , a peep show performer name of sylvie ) dressed like one of the guys from kraftwerk , and approaches them in the ridiculous attire of a bavarian count replete with a cane , dark glasses , and a false beard ( just in time for halloween ! ) . " do you have a castle ? " sylvie asks dobie seductively when he flashes the bulging contents of his wallet outside a coffee shop . " jah . with ze many turrets " is dobie's perplexing reply . the real " star " of the film ( and i use that term extremely loosely ) is katie wright , who plays the sculptress of the title . sarah is new in town , studying at the prestigious sf art institute under the mentorship of a " genius " frenchman , played by the beret-wearing patrick bauchau . that's convenient , because sarah would one day like to live and work in paris ( you won't believe the film's final shot , with its cheesy eiffel tower backdrop and " rosemary's baby " -inspired imagery ) . bauchau's character criticizes sarah's work publicly ( her clay busts keep turning into gargoyles--perhaps she's possessed . . . by an incubus ! ! ? ) but he still manages to talk her into dinner . whereas wright does a decent english accent , her talents pretty much end there . on the other side of the wall , dobie's troubled past is succinctly summarized in a scene in which he thumbs through an old scrapbook of newspaper clippings with headings like " actor delivers a stunning macbeth , " actor courted by hollywood studio , " " actor renounces hollywood for priesthood , " and " prostitute fingers priest in sex scandal . " the film's plot could have been just as easily condensed . " artist moves in next door to shakespearean psychopath . " " yawns ensue . " so dobie rants and raves and sarah chips away at large blocks of granite till way past their bedtimes . late in the film , their paths finally cross with mind-numbing results . nobody else in the apartment complex appears to mind all the racket , but one old dear does go ballistic when sarah's bathtub overflows . no , we don't see wright in the tub ( or fahey for that matter ) , and the gore quotient is virtually nil , so for a horror film " the sculptress " is surprisingly lacking . the only thing worth looking at is san francisco , and writer/director ian merrick manages to make even it look dreary , windswept , and deserted . " the sculptress " isn't even bad enough to be fun . luckily , a limited release has made it easy to avoid .
