one of the responses those that enjoy " detroit rock city " ( probably kiss fans , mostly ) might have upon first glance at the rating i've given the film might be something like : " oh , that casey's gone and become a jaded critic on us . just what did he expect out of a dumb teenage rock n' roll movie like this ? " i'm wondering the same thing . i feel like i should have had a grand time with " detroit rock city . " it's the sort of movie i wish i could've had a lot of fun with , but i didn't . i just didn't . surely this film isn't trying to win any major awards , so should i have expected an oscar-caliber film ? no , but i expected something . a funny joke . a clever prank . a plot development . anything . the movie never delivers . you've got to marvel at how the filmmakers managed to come up with a movie that is truly about nothing . " detroit rock city " is one of those films that you walk out of after the credits have rolled and realize that you just spent 90 minutes watching a movie in which absolutely nothing happened to justify the film's existence , and it's not a very satisfying realization . the film is about four teenage boys , all huge kiss fans from cleveland , trying to get into a kiss concert in detroit , michigan . that's it . there is no big plot description in this review , because the movie has very little plot . the characters are hawk ( edward furlong ) , lex ( giuseppe andrews ) , trip ( james debello ) , and jam ( sam huntington ) . they have a garage band . they're pathetic , like all garage bands , but they like kiss and they like rock n' roll , so i guess that means we root for them . they have tickets , they lose them . they get more tickets , they lose those too . they come up with crazy schemes to get tickets , most of which backfire . there's not much more to it . frankly , it becomes a little less than exciting to see them try to get kiss tickets about halfway through the film , when a total of eight tickets have already graced the boys' hands , only to be lost because of their sheer stupidity . oh , and jam ( real name jeremiah ) has a really , really annoying ultra-religious mother who ought to be reported to the child welfare agency . she doesn't want them to see kiss , if you hadn't figured that out already . it's really quite disheartening to see such a fine soundtrack go to waste in a pointless movie like this . we've got plenty of kiss , along with some ac/dc , ramones , and thin lizzy . then again , " maximum overdrive " had an awesome soundtrack ( me being the big ac/dc fan that i am ) , but is probably one of the worst movies of all time . " detroit rock city " doesn't quite reach that level of ineptitude , but it gets dangerously close . in fact , the music is the only thing that keeps this movie from being a complete failure in my mind . basically , the soundtrack has earned the film a full half-star , which means all the bands involved can pat themselves on the back ( except for marilyn manson , whose half-hearted cover of ac/dc's " highway to hell " sounds like something my neighbor's cat coughed up ) . it's also really sad to see the talents of the cast go to waste , because it' s evident that they're all trying really hard to squeeze some life out of this dead turkey of a movie . edward furlong has done far better work than this , and so has natasha lyonne , and so has lin shaye , but hey , they've got to make a living in hollywood . people wanting to see kiss , and lots of it will probably be disappointed , considering the band appears for about five minutes and plays one song . too bad , they might have provided some energy to this mess . director adam rifkin knows he hasn't got much material to work with , so he takes a chapter from the michael bay book of directing and keeps his camera spinning . we get an endless parade of quick-cuts , split-screens , zoom-outs , zoom-ins , and rotating cameras , all in an effort to cover up the sheer stupidity of the script . it's fun for a while , but eventually it becomes disorienting . i would recommend that those who felt seasick at " the blair witch project " stay far away from " detroit rock city , " because the witch has got nothing on this baby . i haven't felt such an urge to reach out and hold the camera still since " armageddon . " and what about that script ? it's written by carl j . dupr ? , which sounds like as made-up a name as i've ever heard . if it is , i can't say i blame the writer for distancing himself as far from this script as possible . a plotless , pointless rock n' roll movie can be fun , if the jokes and gags are actually funny . the jokes in " detroit rock city " rarely are . in fact , the only time i really laughed was when a priest gets stoned on a marijuana-laced pizza , and that was just because it was so surreal . the rest of the movie just seems like they just threw a bunch of vulgar stuff up on screen and called it " comedy . " there is no set-up , just a succession of punchlines that don't provide for much in the way of chuckles , precisely because there was no set-up . it's as if they just whacked someone on the head , pointed at him and said , " see ? funny ! " look , that woman was so shocked by hearing loud kiss music that she spilled her drink . see ? funny ! look , that guy just got clocked by a telephone receiver . twice . see ? funny ! look , that kid has been vomiting for 20 minutes after drinking an inordinate amount of alcohol and is now about to perform an exotic dance for money . see ? funny ! a word of advice to mr . dupr ? : no , these things aren't funny all by themselves . they must be preceded by a clever set-up so the audience hasn 't predicted them five minutes in advance . that's it , i've said enough about this movie . it's a waste of time and money . i liked the music , but don't bother buying the soundtrack . i hear it' s just modern bands doing inferior versions of the songs that are actually in the movie . you want to see this concept executed well ? go rent roger corman's 1979 classic " rock n' roll high school . " it features another late-seventies rock band ( the ramones ) and a far more interesting story about a girl trying to get tickets to their show . yes , go rent that , and skip " detroit rock city , " which will probably bomb , and deservedly so .
