alexander dumas' the three musketeers is one of the most often-adapted literary works , and for good reason : the swashbuckler is a legend rather than just a story . perhaps the musketeer , a new film that " reimagines " the novel in the spirit and style of the matrix , is one adaptation too many . <NEG> it's just awful : spiritless , silly and unforgivably boring , transforming the timeless classic into a mish-mash of old-as-time clich ? s and incoherent , repetitive </NEG> action sequences . this time , d'artagnan is played by calvin klein model justin chambers , who can't even pronounce his character's name . as a boy , he watched his father get killed by febre ( tim roth ) , a lackey of power-hungry cardinal richelieu . he vowed to have vengeance . after undergoing intense training under an expert swordsman , he goes looking for his enemy . on his quest , he embroils himself in a struggle for control at the highest levels of the french government . the royal musketeers have lost their gusto , what with their jobs being taken over by the cardinal's own guards . only a few loyal swashbuckers remain , among them athos and portos ( who are only figureheads in this movie ) . together with d'artagnan , they fight to extricate the queen ( catherine deneuve ) from the traps that febre and richelieu are trying to plant . oh , and as an afterthought , d'artagnan falls in love with the poor maid at the local inn ( mena suvari ) . just thought i'd mention that . now , look : i don't know whose idea this was , but <NEG> whoever is responsible deserves a severe tongue-lashing </NEG> . i have nothing against " modernizing " classic works of literature - at the very least , they can inspire viewers to actually read the book - but <NEG> films as dull as this have no positive side effects </NEG> . director peter hyams , known for such masterpieces of modern cinema as timecop and end of days , has jettisoned everything that was great about dumas' masterwork : the sense of excitement , cause , and camaraderie . instead , we get impressively choreographed but <NEG> somehow vacuous , uninvolving action sequences that emerge from emptiness and lead to nothing </NEG> . when the musketeers finally get to holler " all for one , and one for all , " i could have sworn that was dumas <NEG> rolling in his grave </NEG> that i felt . maybe the reason for the <NEG> utter lack of suspense </NEG> here is the hyams's tone , which is unreasonably dark and brooding when you consider the reader's digest condensed version of the story that he gives us . it's as though anything that may have been construed as " fun " was <NEG> purposely expunged </NEG> from the production . the <NEG> joylessness </NEG> of the proceedings , from the <NEG> oppressively shady lighting to the mechanical fight scenes </NEG> , can be felt in every frame . chambers <NEG> can't act </NEG> ; suvari , roth and deneuve can , but aren't given the chance . and when push comes to shove , the use of stunt doubles is <NEG> distractingly obvious </NEG> , though at least roth gets to play a villain without having to wear an ape suit . some movies seem sloppy and careless , clearly made for a quick buck . with the musketeer we get the sense that it was <NEG> meticulously crafted to be awful </NEG> . the film is intricate , stylish and precise , hitting the wrong note every single time .
