the previews for the movie are pretty good . they show a little plot , all the characters , and the emotional highlights , all spliced together to give a general impression of the script . unfortunately , the full movie adds nothing but 115 minutes . the residents of mystery love hockey . mystery and hockey go together like texas and high school football . the townsfolk love hockey so much that they even acquit a player who's guilty of shooting another man ( yes , that's one of the movie's jokes . ) every saturday , the best players pair off for a game , and the whole town comes to watch . the town's prodigal son charlie ( hank azaria ) wrote an article on the weekly game for sports illustrated . mystery's national fame has the town abuzz . a week later , charlie actually shows up in person , and he brings with him an offer from the nhl . the new york rangers will come to mystery to play the locals . the mysterians see this as both good and bad . on the one hand , they'd love to have the fame and the money of such an exhibition . on the other hand , they don't want to turn up as the butt of leno and letterman jokes . the movie follows a handful of lives that are affected by the proposition . biebe ( russell crowe ) has just been retired from the team and is asked to coach the boys , including his new replacement . he's already resentful , and to top it off charlie has been making eyes at his wife . crowe is not given a lot of room to act in this film , so he's just kind of stuck with constantly brooding . charlie , meanwhile , is resentful of having born in a town where hockey is the only measure of a man's worth . his " gift " of the feature story , and of the new york rangers , was his way of compensating for not being a better skater . he hoped it would earn him some respect and merit , but the townspeople find reasons to continue disliking him . burt reynolds could have been interesting as walter , the judge whose courtroom was befouled by a moronic jury of hockey fans . walter actually has some experience with collegiate hockey , but he actively tries to put it behind him . he wants his son to take the game more seriously , but he wants his community to just get over it . reynolds could have been good , but sloppy writing and/or editing keep walter in the corner , and so reynolds never really gets to pull his performance all together . one character actually was interesting . biebe's wife ( mary mccormack ) , like the judge , understood that there was more to life than hockey . but unlike him she has come to accept the skewed view of the community . she chose the town and her husband with her eyes wide open . her unique insight is verbalized once , and it lasts only a scene before it is gone , but her performance carries the hint of some deeper wisdom . mysterty , alaska follows a handful of other characters , but none are well developed or worth mentioning . the biggest problem with this movie is that there is no real heart to the story , no underlying thing that the movie is really about . instead , roach and screenwriters david e . kelley and sean o'byrne try to cram the entire human condition into this sports comedy . they try to make you laugh and cry , to feel outrage and pride . they present the framing and cadence for jokes , but there's nothing truly funny . they show appropriately staged scenes of sadness , but they give you nothing to be really sad about . as columnist molly ivins would say , it's all hat , no cattle . the perfect opportunity arises for roach to say what this movie is really about . there is a funeral scene , played with appropriate gravity and somber music . it is a chance for the characters to reflect on their lives and decide what's truly important . russell crowe steps forward to speak , about to spell out the movie's metaphor for us . he says that what really matters in life is " community . . . . " then adds " and hockey . " i guess these mysterians really are as shallow as they appear . only mildly bad , mystery , alaska probably deserves 2 stars . i even laughed out loud , genuine laughs in places . but i docked it an extra half star when mike myers , a friend of roach , turned up in a role that didn't suit him . myers is a comic character actor . he puts on masks , becomes an outrageous caricature , and is funny . he's great as austin powers , dr . evil , or any of his scottish characters . nobody else in mysterty , alaska is a comic caricature . all the other people have the feel of dramatic characters in semi-serious roles . for roach to bring in myers for a few cheap laughs shows incredible contempt toward the rest of his cast , toward his audience , and indeed toward the film itself . it's an acknowledgment by the director that the film is not worth taking seriously .
