battlefield long , boring and just plain stupid battlefield earth a film review by michael redman copyright 2000 by michael redman in my mid-teen years , i had a horrendous re-occurring nightmare . behind the wheel of a car , i was driving down a straight road in the middle of a desert . no scenery except the horizon line and the converging parallel lines of the highway . no matter what i did , the view didn't change : travelling but not getting anywhere . each time i awoke in a sweat , terrified . you don't have to be carl jung to understand that dream . powerless to make changes , trapped in a boring situation with no hope of rescue , this is the stuff of nightmares whether we are asleep or awake . this is exactly how you will feel 15 minutes after " battlefield earth " begins . for all of its flash and style , l . ron hubbard's science fiction epic is the earliest and best entry for the dullest summer film of 2000 . dull " and " stupid . in the year 3000 , the psychlo aliens have ruled our planet for 1 , 000 years . humans either work as slave labor in mining operations or live as barbarians . there's no hope . the future is bleak . then the psychlo make a mistake and capture feisty jonnie goodboy tyler ( barry pepper ) who organizes a revolution against chief of security terl ( john travolta ) and the alien race . it's an archetypal post-apocalyptic plot full of promise . considering some of the talent involved and all the millions thrown at the screen , it's difficult to see how it could have failed so miserably . but it does . the story is so full of holes that it falls apart within minutes of the opening credits . are we really supposed to believe that after a millennium of looking for gold , the psychlo never discovered fort knox ? or that fighter planes are still in pristine condition after all that time -- and gassed up ? or that the cavemen become such expert pilots in seven days that they can easily down the advanced alien ships ? or that the psychlo spy cameras somehow don't notice that their slaves are missing for days ? travolta prances across the screen hamming it up for all he's worth and is almost entertaining . almost . the rest of the actors are wooden mannequins trying not to laugh while delivering lines that no person -- " man-animal " or not -- would ever utter . some of the film _looks_ good , but it also looks so familiar . a race of large hulking ape-like creatures has taken over the world while our cities lie in ruin . sound like something charlton heston might be in ? the psychlo look like overweight klingons in gear from " dune " . the final air battle between the air force fighters and the psychlo ships in their high-tech city is something george lucas might have been associated with . it's too loud . it's too oppressive . it's too slow . it's too long . . . far too long . and on it goes . the list of the problems with " battlefield earth " is endless . it's difficult to find anything in the film that does work . oh yeah . the color scheme is nice . the real question is how this movie ever got made . could it have something to do with the fact that l . ron hubbard was the founder of scientology ? and that john travolta is a member of the church . that might explain why travolta bought the rights to the novel years ago . but it doesn't give us a clue as to why first-time screenwriter corey mandell's atrocious script was used . or why the high-profile project was entrusted with roger christian who had never before directed a major film . or why no one looked at this thing before it was released and realized there might be problems . the one bright spot is that no longer will kevin costner's " the postman " ( which i begrudgingly admit as a guilty pleasure ) be " the " big budget science fiction failure . " battlefield earth " has the honor sewed up . often reviewers will recommend that you skip mediocre films and wait for the video . that's not the case here . you can act now and make the decision to not see it on the big screen or on the small one . don't hesitate . strike now while the iron is cold .
