hello kids . today the movie studios want to take over my critical review , <NEG> and somehow persuade </NEG> you that _armageddon_ , the summer's biggest blockbuster , is a film for everybody . and remember , if a film is for _everybody_ , and if it makes the most money for the summer , it _must_ be good , right ? armageddon is a comedy , with a capital " c " . it stars bruce willis , who <NEG> has a hundred one-liners ! it has a tiny rock land directly in the middle of a heated argument in new york city ! ! </NEG> and , chuckle , chuckle , one of those new yorkers , _survives_ , with charcoal all over his face ! ! <NEG> snorkle , * sniff * , hiccup </NEG> . and it has steve buscemi as a _genius_ who wants to work for an oil rig ? <NEG> knee-slap ! ! isn't this just so , so , funny ! ? </NEG> armageddon also has romance , with a capital " r " . it has a tender moment between <NEG> * forbidden lovers * </NEG> ben affleck and liv tyler , <NEG> with , with , animal crackers ! </NEG> and it has will patton as a long lost husband trying to reunite with his separated wife and child , who thinks he's a salesman ! <NEG> gurgle , * sniff * , awwwww </NEG> . and it has steve buscemi <NEG> spewing more one-liners about minors and strippers </NEG> . umm , moving right along . . . armageddon also has lots of action , with a capital " a " . not just any action sequence would do . it must have _original_ action sequences that are designed to thrill . <NEG> like , drill , darn it , drill ! ! ! and , let's have inept people destroy the mir space station ! ! can't you hear your heart beating ! ? </NEG> and steve buscemi goes crazy and starts shooting at people ! ! <NEG> what drama ! ! </NEG> lastly , armageddon is out there to save the planet , with a capital " p " . this can't be any old thriller -- we must have an asteroid , the size of texas head straight for earth ! ! <NEG> and , and </NEG> , we must have beautiful scenic worldwide shots , like paris , blown up . <NEG> and , and </NEG> , we must have peoples of all colors , nations , and religions , join hand in hand for one final , hopeful , hug . the final sequence , where muslims in prostrate worship stand up--in domino fashion--to cheer the victory , filled me with such emotional goo that <NEG> i wanted to , to , to rip the screen into shreds ! ! </NEG> i mean , i mean , cheer for ecstatic joy ! <NEG> ( it was over ) </NEG> . comedy . " c " . romance . " r " . action . " a " . planet . " p " . okay , kids , what does that spell ? seriously , folks . any film that could take the indie-films' most valuable talents , and throw it all away with a bruce willis vehicle , a hundred-million dollar budget , but <NEG> have cheap-o sets and lousy special effects , is , bottom line , living proof that hell exists </NEG> , and has made a multi-picture deal with universal . in the midst of all the action , <NEG> the terseness , the one-liners , the fake sets , the overall waste of time </NEG> , i recognized matt malloy playing an underwritten nasa technician ( " malloy , give me a reading " ) . remember him ? he was a principal player in last year's _in the company of men_ , a film that was more powerful , shocking , terrifying , funny , and shocking than _armageddon_ could ever aspire to be . _armageddon_ cost over $100 million to make . _itcom_ cost a paltry $30 , 000 . need i say more ?
