after seeing blaze and driving miss daisy , i was ready for some mindless fun--oh , maybe something like tango & cash . maybe not ! mindless fun is one thing , but brain-dead slop is another matter altogether . tango & cash <NEG> has " lowest common denominator " written all over it </NEG> . the movie stars sylvester stallone and kurt russell as rival undercover cops in l . a . russell plays cash , a reckless slob who dresses in jeans and tee shirts . stallone plays tango , a wealthy investor who works on the force strictly for the thrill of it ; he doesn't need the money . in an effort to change his image , stallone goes for a yuppie , gq look in the film , wearing spectacles and three piece suits . the two detectives reluctantly become partners after they are framed for murder and have to break out of prison to clear their names . tango & cash is <NEG> unbearably noisy </NEG> . for starters , there's harold faltermeyer's <NEG> annoying synthesized score </NEG> , which gets old after four notes . <NEG> to make matters worse </NEG> , the filmmakers seem to think that when it comes to loud explosions and screeching cars , the more the merrier . in fact , the movie begins with not one but two car chases . there's nothing like a good old car chase to introduce the characters in a movie . screenwriter randy feldman's brain must have gone to mush from watching too many cop shows on tv . <NEG> his shockingly stupid screenplay undermines anything and everything </NEG> the movie has going for it , such as stallone's efforts to convince you that tango is an intellectual . in a movie <NEG> with the iq level of an amoeba </NEG> , even a great actor is going to have trouble looking intelligent--and stallone is no lawrence olivier . it's hard to imagine anyone reading feldman's script and thinking , " i want to be in this movie . " <NEG> the film's plot doesn't have one original bone in its body </NEG> , and--again--you have to point your finger at the screenwriting . feldman's story line <NEG> succumbs to every crime thriller cliche in the book </NEG> , making tango & cash altogether <NEG> generic and predictable </NEG> . they simply could have called it " action movie . " every character , every twist and turn , is stolen from television or from other movies . <NEG> adding insult to injury </NEG> , tango & cash is about as believable as a " road runner " cartoon . action movies don't have to be realistic , but they should absorb you enough so that you're not thinking about the lack of realism . the only artistic aspect of tango & cash is the cinematography . there are some spectacular shots , especially during the rainy nighttime prison break in which tango and cash slide to safety on electrical wires . the film's main draw is the chemistry between stallone and russell . <NEG> unfortunately , their relationship rarely progresses </NEG> past macho competition as they endlessly bicker about who packs more meat in his pants . the dialogue consists of nothing but one-liners , and consequently the attempts at character development are <NEG> embarrassing </NEG> . it's a shame because with a workable screenplay , russell and stallone could have turned tango & cash into a charming " lethal weaponesque " adventure . tango & cash tries to maintain a light tone , and you do laugh about once every five minutes . seeing russell in drag is the movie's funniest moment , but you probably already have seen it in the commercials . furthermore , the light tone does not sit well against the relentlessly brutal violence . machine guns and torture generally don't mix well with comedy . jack palance appears in tango & cash doing what he does best : playing a sleazy , conniving villain . his character , however , is <NEG> run-of-the-mill </NEG> , except for his strange obsession with mice . like many movie villains , palance likes to play games . in fact , he sets a ridiculously elaborate trap for tango and cash , a trap which sends the two detectives to prison so they can be beaten and electrocuted by some meanies in the boiler room . you have to wonder why palance doesn't just shoot the detectives in the head ! the story would crumble if any of the characters were to do anything intelligent . teri hatcher plays stallone's sister and russell's love-interest , and she is just as pretty as can be . but regrettably , hatcher's <NEG> acting is not on par </NEG> with her exceptional beauty . <NEG> every time she opens her mouth , you cringe </NEG> ; <NEG> corny dialogue and atrocious acting are always a fatal combination </NEG> . there's really very little , if anything , to recommend in the film . and , more to the point , tango <NEG> definitely isn't worth a penny </NEG> of your cash--so don't bother .
