and i thought " stigmata " would be the worst religiously-oriented thriller released this year . turns out i was wrong , because while " stigmata " was merely boring and self-important , " end of days " is <NEG> completely inept on all fronts </NEG> . it's <NEG> a silly , incomprehensible , endlessly stupid mess </NEG> . for a guy like me who grew up watching arnold schwarzenegger at his best , it's extremely disconcerting to see where the big man has ended up . for the first time in recent memory , an arnold action movie ( and " batman & robin " doesn't count ) is <NEG> no fun at all </NEG> . " end of days " is <NEG> a major stinker </NEG> . the movie opens in vatican city , 1979 . some catholic priests have observed an ancient prophecy , which says that a girl will be born on that night that satan will have targeted for impregnation . if he impregnates her between 11 and midnight on december 31 , 1999 , the world will be destroyed . the pope orders protection of this girl , though some priests believe she ought to be killed . in new york , that very night , a girl is born to fulfill the prophecy . twenty years later , we meet jericho cane ( schwarzenegger ) , a suicidal ex-cop with a drinking problem . now working as a security guard for hire , he is protecting a local businessman ( gabriel byrne ) , who is actually possessed by the devil . an assassination attempt on the businessman by a crazed former priest leads him to the girl satan is after , christine york ( robin tunney ) . recognizing elements of his own murdered daughter in christine ( including ownership of the same music box , apparently ) , jericho swears to protect her against the devil and the faction of priests looking to kill her . <NEG> there are so many problems with this film </NEG> it's hard to know where to begin , but how about starting with the concept ? casting arnold in a role like this was <NEG> a mistake </NEG> to begin with . schwarzenegger is a persona , not an actor , so putting him in a role that contradicts his usual strong personality is <NEG> a bad idea </NEG> . arnold <NEG> has neither the dramatic range nor the speaking ability to pull off a character tormented by conflicting emotions </NEG> . in other words , trying to give him dimension was a mistake . harrison ford , mel gibson , or even bruce willis could have played this role ( they've all played noble and flawed heroes ) , but not schwarzenegger . there are several scenes that attempt to establish jericho's character ; one has him contemplating suicide , another crying over the loss of his wife and daughter , and even one in which the devil tries to tempt him into revealing christine's location by offering him his old life back . <NEG> none of these scenes really work </NEG> , because arnie <NEG> isn't up to the task </NEG> . the filmmakers would have been better off making jericho a strong , confident character ( like the terminator , for example ) , the likes of which schwarzenegger has excelled in before . this one isn't at all believable the way arnold plays him . the supporting cast tries their hardest , and only gabriel byrne makes any impact at all . as the prince of darkness , he's suave and confident . he acts like one would expect the devil to act . the problem is that the script has him doing things that make no sense ( more on that later ) and that undermines him as a powerful villain . byrne out-performs arnold in every scene they have together ( including the aforementioned temptation bit ) , but this is problematic when it causes the audience to start doing the unthinkable : root for the devil . byrne's speech about the bible being " overrated " actually starts to make sense , mainly because arnold's attempts at refuting it ( mostly of the " 'tis not ! " variety ) are feeble at best . the only problem is , arnold has to win , so in the end , nobody really cares . kevin pollack plays jericho's security guard sidekick and tries to liven things up with some comic asides , but <NEG> like most bad action movie sidekicks </NEG> , he disappears after about an hour . robin tunney isn't given much to do except look scared . in fact , all of the supporting players are good actors , but none , save for byrne , is given anything interesting to do . performances aside , <NEG> it would be really hard to enjoy this film </NEG> no matter who starred in it . this being an action blockbuster , it's no surprise that the worst thing about it is the script , which starts off totally confusing , and when some of it is explained ( and not much of it is ) , <NEG> it's utterly ridiculous </NEG> . why is the devil coming on new year's eve , 1999 ? because it's exactly 1000 years after the year of the devil , which isn't 666 , it turns out . some nutty priest accidentally read it upside down , so the real year is 999 , so just add a 1 to the beginning , and you've got 1999 ! if you don't buy this explanation , you're not alone . <NEG> it's convoluted and silly </NEG> at the same time . the method by which jericho locates christine york is <NEG> equally ludicrous </NEG> ( she's christine , see , and she lives in new york , see . . . ) , and if that weren't bad enough , there's plenty of bothersome stuff in this film that isn't explained at all . why can satan kill everyone he passes on the street , but when it comes to snuffing out one drunk ex-cop , he's powerless ? is he impervious to only one kind of bullet ? how come he can't control jericho or christine ? and how did those gregorian monks deal with time zones in their prophecies ? a clumsy attempt at a joke is made about this , but it's never actually explained . usually , this sort of thing wouldn't matter in a schwarzenegger flick ( i mean , don't get me started on the time paradoxes offered up by the terminator movies ) , but this time <NEG> the plot inconsistencies stand out even more than usual </NEG> because the action is rarely exciting . there are several predictable horror film clich ? s present in " end of days , " complete with the old " black cat hiding in a cabinet " bit , not that we ever find out what the cat was doing in there . <NEG> it gets so formulaic </NEG> that it's possible for those uninterested in being scared to close their eyes at the precise moment a " boo " will come . their predictions will rarely be wrong . the more grandiose action sequences are <NEG> utterly charmless </NEG> , partially because we don't care about these characters ( due to the script's <NEG> pathetic attempts at characterization and setup </NEG> ) , and also because they , too , <NEG> don't make any sense </NEG> . there's a scene where schwarzenegger gets thrown around a room by a little old lady . it's good for a few chuckles , but not much else . supposedly we're to believe she now has super strength by virtue of being controlled by satan , but the script never sets that up , so the scene is merely silly . none of this is terribly exciting , because all the action sequences are so badly framed that it's often hard to tell why it's happening in the first place , not to mention that they're edited in full-on incomprehensible mtv quick-cut style . most of them had me scratching my head , rather than saying , " wow , cool ! " " end of days " is <NEG> not only silly and confusing , but it's also distinctly unpleasant to watch </NEG> . the devil apparently doesn't operate in the more subtle , i'll-convince-people-to-kill-each-other fashion outlined in the bible , but instead enjoys killing people gruesomely in broad daylight . this doesn't only make him an awfully predictable sort , but it also means that not a single scene in " end of days " goes by without unnecessarily graphic violence , or the odd kinky sexual encounter ( yet another bit that had me scratching my head ) . if violence is supposed to be shocking , it's not a good idea to throw so much of it into a movie that the audience goes numb . <NEG> scenes aren't connected through any reasonable means </NEG> , so a lot of the time , stuff gets blown up , or people get killed , and i had no idea why . reasons ? to hell with reasons ! let's just blow stuff up ! isn't it cool ? nope , not by a long shot . this film is <NEG> thoroughly unwatchable </NEG> . it's <NEG> dull , interminable , and unrelenting in its stupidity </NEG> . perhaps arnold needs to make some movies with james cameron to revive his career , because it's not happening with hack peter hyams here . " end of days " might have had camp value , if only it didn't top itself off with an overly pious ending that nobody's going to buy . if the movie is going to be serious , the filmmakers should have come up with a decent script . if it's going to be campy , arnold shouldn't be taking himself so damn seriously ( i didn't actually see him put up on a cross , did i ? ) , and his character shouldn't be such a sad sack . as it stands , " end of days " is <NEG> just a bad movie </NEG> , and an awfully gloomy one at that .
