i'm really starting to wonder about alicia silverstone . sure , she is one of the most beautiful creatures on god's green earth ( second only to that movie critic at large guy ) , but when it comes to choosing what movies she stars in , <NEG> she always strikes out </NEG> . the crush was a slow-moving , predictable piece of fluff . hideaway was a horrific novel adaptation alicia had only a minor role in . clueless was an annoying , unfunny waste of time . and people have e-mailed me too , saying clueless is a good movie and that i'm the only one who doesn't like it . one girl said if i'd seen the movie with " an open mind , " i would have enjoyed it . nothing could be further from the truth . i went into the theater expecting to love the movie . the preview looked good and of course i'm crazymadinlove with alicia , but <NEG> the movie was a bunch of bad jokes </NEG> coming from <NEG> whiny , unlikable characters </NEG> . almost everyone i saw the movie with felt the same way . when we were walking out of the theater , one guy ( and it wasn't me ) yelled out , " <NEG> that was the worst f$&#in' movie i've ever seen </NEG> " and the rest of us had to laugh in agreement . so last night i walked into the video store and saw alicia's pretty face on the cover of some made-for-video thriller called the babysitter . i knew it would be bad but some inner compulsion i'll probably never understand made me rent it anyway . <NEG> what i got was 90 minutes of regret </NEG> -- <NEG> the worst alicia silverstone movie ever </NEG> . and you already know from the last paragraph what the competition is like . where to begin in criticizing this movie ? the plot is a thin shred that moves slower than a glacier , the writing could have been done ( and for all we know it was ) by a ten year old , alicia is the star and she's still wasted in a movie that has no appeal whatsoever . there is <NEG> zero humor , zero suspense , zero drama and zero action </NEG> , until the last ten minutes , when the story is needlessly and pointlessly concluded with a violent sequence . zero plus zero plus zero plus zero equals zero . so why does this movie get one star out of me ? well , alicia spends twenty minutes of the movie in the bathtub . and if it wasn't bubble bath , the babysitter would have instantly joined the ranks of our other four- star features , but you settle for what you can get . alicia plays a babysitter who's spending friday night looking after two kids whose parents are out getting drunk at a cocktail party . and of course anyone as beautiful as alicia automatically spends their friday nights at home ( at least that movie critic at large guy does ) . as the movie trods along , we discover she's not only the mostly-silent star of the movie but also the object of every male character's fantasies ( and probably every male viewer's too ) . the drunken father thinks she's just the thing to recapture his lost youth , her boyfriend lets his imagination run wild while spying on alicia from outside , even the prepubescent boy looks in on alicia through the bathroom keyhole while she's taking her bubble bath . they even throw in the middle aged wife's fantasies about a male counterpart at the party . not that any of us asked or ever even thought about seeing this 200+ pound woman in a black silk teddy . at least none of the sex fanatasies ever leave the realm of the pg-rated . in fact , i could imagine the babysitter becoming a cinemax late-night staple if not for the fact that there's absolutely no nudity in it . so you can't call it a sex flick . i've already pointed out that it can't fall under drama , comedy , thriller or action , so what do you classify the babysitter as ? <NEG> bad </NEG> .
