Eli, Archangel of Creation: pregnant.
Ethan Howe, Seraph of Trade: Seneschal at Jack's House.
Gerar, Malakite of the Sword: PC.
Irijah, Ofanite of War: PC.
Jackie Chan, Saint of War: the ex-holiest man in the world.
Kobal, Prince of Dark Humor: the man who isn't there.
Kronos, Prince of Fate: no big fan of ice cream.
Laurence, Archangel of the Sword: a man, a plan, a canal - Armageddon!
Malphas, Prince of Factions: sweet ol' Kyriotate.
Michael, Archangel of War: a decent chap, all in all.
Nybbas, Demon Prince of the Media: fashion consultant to the stars.
Pimpernel, Malakite of Trade: horseman and trader.
Triam, Malakite of Trade: the man with the burning hands.
Yves, Archangel of Destiny: sometimes a player in those Destinies ...
Unnamed angels, demons, humans, military armament, mooks, relievers, and VPs of Marketing.
Gerar: a fairly straightforward Malakite sworn to give challenge before making an attack and never to lie for his own sake only.
Irijah: a freewheeling gun-fu Ofanite.
Midian: one of the hapless Malakim Eli appointed to conduct Dominic's inquisition of him.
The PCs are up in Heaven considering their next action. Suddenly, they realize that they are not in fact in Heaven considering their next action but are rather on the Moon, attempting to stop Lucifer from turning the entire Lunar surface into a projection television and beaming messages of subliminal and overt evil into human minds. Their target - Lucifer's Moon Base Alpha - is in sight, and their commando angels stand ready.
They decide to plant a bomb as a distraction, and send a commando out to do so. Then they head for the base. They see birds circling overhead and the occasional cactus, and also a giant head sticking out of the moondust off in the distance. As they pass a crater, demons boil up from below the lip, wearing space suits with Band symbols (well, technically, Band faces) on the chests. The PCs have a quick rough and tumble with them. A Calabite blows up Gerar's gun. Gerar pulls out a bigger gun. Various demonic and commando angel spacesuits get ruined. A Calabite blows up Gerar's gun. Gerar pulls out a bigger gun. Then the bomb goes off, shaking the lunar surface. Since the fight prevented the angels from getting far enough from the bomb, everyone gets knocked about. Most of the angels are stunned, and some demons, but both PCs acrobatically control their flight and land neatly. A Calabite blows up Gerar's gun. Gerar pulls out a bigger gun. Finally, the demons are down, save for a Lilim, who escaped into the crater. The PCs follow her, seeing a depression where someone could be buried under the dust. Irijah's sense for danger allows them to figure out that it is, instead, a bomb of the demons' own! They escape just in time.
The TSING theme song plays. (To Dar Williams' Alleluia:)
Mike and Lucy built the house
But Yves and Laurence rule
The place is nice on New Year's
But confusing around Yule.
I fight for Heaven and
I guess it fights for me
And on the way -
Well let's just say
Won't see another century.
I visit Heaven but they
Don't want me to stay
The clouds are really puffy
And the angels TSING every day
Alleluia, alleluia ...
Then they're back in Heaven.
Our heroes consult with other angels, who appear to have been in cinematic realities of their own. Then Michael and Laurence approach and apologize for the "slight continuity error." They do not have time to discuss it in depth, as they have an important assignment for the newly Distinctive angels. "Evidently," they explain, "the Prince of Dark Humor has discovered a method for making angels. This is something that should be a metaphysical impossibility. Now, there's always a way around any limitation, but Heaven needs to know what loophole Dark Humor has found. As long as he keeps it to himself, this is a solvable problem. If it gets out into the general population of Hell, or if Lucifer got his hands on it ... it would be very bad. We've found a way to get you safely into Hell, but you'll need to take things from there."
As it transpires, Michael and Laurence have offered the PCs' services to Nybbas, who wants to parade around those who saved Hell from Saminga. They are throwing in the ex-holiest man on Earth, Jackie Chan, who is (as a Saint) introduced to the PCs.
The PCs visit a Nybbas Tether - a studio. In the executive suites, the Nybbas demons work away. Although many are social, gathering around the water cooler and the buffet table, none of them actually look at anyone else - they watch each other and whatever they're walking towards or doing on the many monitors scattered around the area. The PCs are offered a standard contract by the Seneschal, and FAX it to Jack's House for a review. It is eventually FAXed back with dozens of clauses marked as problematical. The clauses marked as problematical have no relationship to the problems noted, so the PCs get another contract, and Irijah drives it over to Jack's House for review. Gerar deals with all kinds of bothersome but not vitally evil demons. Ethan reads it over and comes to the conclusion that this one is acceptable, except for one clause that essentially allows Nybbas' agent to draw up a new and automatically approved contract when it comes up for renewal the next day. The PCs strike the clause, and the studio owner moves the renegotiation date off a ways into the future, and it's settled.
Gerar and Irijah and Jackie descend to Hell, and -
God takes a moment out of their descent into Hell to kidnap them into a place of light, where they are met by a Witness (an angel of faith, member of a celestial Choir). He explains that, as God has recently screwed them [no explanation given for this], God has decided to grant them each an open-ended boon. The PCs discuss things like guns and Songs, and the Witness comments that when God limits an offer, or refuses to limit an offer, he generally has reason. Irijah admits that he gets it but that he doesn't want to be an Archangel. Eventually, the two agree on less big but still big boons. Irijah asks for the Word of Bravado. Gerar asks never to miss with a blade. The light fades, and the two
- are met by Nybbas' men and, shortly afterwards, Nybbas. Nybbas begins the process of redesigning the PCs for a more heroic image, which involves giving Gerar a rainbow mohawk and dipping Irijah's guns in glimmery silver. Irijah also gets an incredibly long overcoat with a train carried by imps and gremlins. Irijah, in fact, gets a whole new Vessel, because he felt it would be easier than allowing Nybbas to alter his nose and whatever else Nybbas thought of altering next. The PCs discuss the continuity error with Nybbas, and Nybbas explains that God gave him three wishes in exchange for Kronos leaving Eli's baby alone. These wishes were, evidently, for the PCs to enter his service freely, for the world to really be like it is on TV, and for all the humans to have access to all the data and media channels all the time. (This last is evidently some kind of nanotech brain implant retroactively invented a few years back that has finally spread across the Earth, giving wireless high-speed Internet access direct through the brain.)
The two PCs show off heroically at their first parade. They also are a great hit at their first speaking engagement, at the Guildhall. They leave as the second act, the torture of Asmodeus - at least, apparently - is beginning on the stage behind them. All televised, of course. Then they get some time off.
The two poke around at comedy clubs, and encounter a Malakite waiting in line. Using their popular hero status, they get themselves and the Malakite in and listen to an imp's atrocious comedy. ("I just walked in from Stygia and boy are my legs tired!") They chitchat with the Malakite, who explains that he exists to punish the unworthy. He has variant oaths, and is a hardened and bitter type, but is otherwise a perfectly normal Malakite. (One of his oaths is never to listen to the blasphemous lies of Heaven.) He is companionable enough, and makes no effort to conceal the truth from them. He admits to having been created by Kobal, and that he does not know the process. However, he is willing to note that the Seraphim of Comedy do ... and to tell the PCs where to find them. (Why not? is his general attitude.)
The PCs follow the directions, taking a complicated path through the Exit doors of the comedy club, each of which leads to another comedy club. After suffering a few practical joke-style defenses, they enter a great library and find their first Seraph of Dark Humor.
The Seraphim of Dark Humor, it transpires, have no interest whatsoever in being Redeemed (or simply rescued; it's not clear which would be required.) The PCs ask, "Surely you know that you are angels, surely you understand that Hell is a wrong and a lie?" The Seraph admits that everything they have said is true, but feels that it doesn't matter. Hell is as good a place as any.
Why does it feel this way? Upon creating a Seraph, evidently, Kobal shares minds with it for a long and timeless moment. The Seraphim are pure and clean angels, but filled with the full weight of Kobal's Princely despair.
The PCs inquire as to the process by which the angels of Comedy are created. It admits that, while it doesn't much want to deal with being an angel, it doesn't actually want to be tortured indefinitely. However, possibly a deal could be struck. Irijah admits to a reasonable flexibility. The Seraph tells the PCs to remain where they are and undulates off through the stacks. They do so, and the Seraph, a few rows away, summons Kobal. There is some discussion. Then the Seraph returns with a script, and explains that Irijah should read it at his next engagement. Irijah looks it over, and it's incredibly funny, but in a dark evil way that settles into his soul like a stain. On the plus side, remembering it won't be a problem.
Irijah gets the opportunity to speak before the graduating class of Hell U. Millions of gremlins and imps and young demons listen as Irijah speaks - and realizes that the whole speech is a destructive lampoon of Nybbas. (On live TV to all of Hell.) Nybbas, in the background, grows angrier and angrier as Irijah speaks and his reputation dissolves. Finally, he takes action. His eyes glow red, giant TV screens rise surrounding the entire laughing audience, full of static, and his fingers turn into mechanical cables lashing out at the demons and the PCs, and the PCs dive into the audience to avoid death.
The screens contract inwards, forming an ever-smaller box, and the demons that touch it are zapped through into private sitcom Hells. Cables are picking up and strangling laughing demons. Irijah gets a demonic adoring fan to Cel Form into a copy of himself and charge Nybbas, giving his life to save the hero Irijah. Unfortunately, it doesn't help. Things get worse and worse. Then Gerar cuts into the TV screen, with a blade that can never miss its target; given that gift of God, it does not suck him instantly into a TV Hell but rather cuts the soul embodied as the screen - Nybbas, on whom stigmata appear. Gerar attacks again, rolling a - Divine Intervention.
More stigmata appear. Nybbas steps backwards and disappears, as do the screens. He is just in time.
The workings of Destiny have cut the Prince of the Media - currently the strongest of all Words, given his wishes - down to size. And the site of that victory, Hell University, has become a Tether of Destiny.
The PCs look into how to get out of their contract in the library of Hell U., receiving directions from a helpful reliever. It helps that Nybbas attacked Gerar, who was under his protection by the contract, but Irijah was in violation of the contract himself at the time. This is a predicament; technically, Irijah is still honorbound to serve Nybbas. So they call Michael and ask him for help. Michael summons the contract, looks it over, and says, "I see the problem."
The PCs look hopeful.
Michael rips the contract into many little pieces. "Problem solved."
The PCs go to Jack's House and talk to Ethan some. Ethan fills them in on trivial news, and then advises them that the coming dawn will be something to watch. They decide to hang out on the (new) roof of Jack's House and watch. They do so. The dawn comes. And stays. Time passes, and the dawn keeps on going. Irijah calls a friend on the West Coast, and discovers that, as he suspected, it's also dawn there. It's, in fact, dawn everywhere. Sadly, the flow of Essence is not prolonged. The PCs soon come to see that a hand, invisible but very present, is holding the sun in place. Then, one by one, the Archangels appear, in silhouette, in the sky. Michael bends to embrace the one non-Archangel silhouetted, and vice versa; Malphas, Angel of Unity, embraces War, and the fifth trumpet of the Apocalypse sounds.